Tuesday, August 9, 2011

I Think I Poisoned The Preggos

I seriously need my head examined. I had my prenatal class today and decided that we’d do arms and mat work, instead of the Reformer. This meant that we needed to work in one of the yoga studios. As the women were arriving, I walked into the studio, to start setting up and a stench that could’ve knocked out both Godzilla and Mothra, smacked me in the face, and took a ride down my lungs. The fact that I didn’t immediately switch gears and move us into the Reformer studio, is why I need my head examined. What, in the name of all things pure and simple, was I doing?!

My instincts and relative intelligence told me to abort the hand weight workout in the noxious yoga studio, for the sweet smelling Pilates room. However, this ‘other’ self, that I’m ashamed to even admit that I own, took over and I conducted the class in the toxic room.

In all fairness, I did ask the women if they would rather move to the other studio. They're the pregnant ones. Shouldn't they know what is unhealthy for their unborn offspring? No one said anything. I know this isn’t an excuse for my obvious stupidity, but I just thought I’d offer up all of the facts before you judge me. And you will judge me. I'm judging myself right now.

And then, in the middle of a biceps curl or a lat raise, I almost said the following, “If anything happens to your babies, please don’t hold me liable.” WHAT? Let me say that again, WHAT? What I did say was, “Please don’t hold me liable.” That's so much better.

There is something seriously wrong with me. I’ve said it before, I should not be put in charge. It’s too much pressure for me. I need to work with women who are in really good shape, not with child, and who can do somersaults, and stand on their heads. 

After class, I tried to get out as fast as I could (I’ve got my own lungs to protect). I heard one of the women say to another that she felt light headed. Oh, dear Allah, really. They said that the fumes made it hard for them to breathe. The f'd up thing about this conversation was that I didn't hear any animosity towards me (which I so deserved) in their words or tone of voice.

Why didn’t they say anything? I can’t possibly look like I possess any ounce of authority.

I pretended that I didn’t hear what they were saying and ducked out. I sprinted to my car, hoping that they’ll forget all about it by next week's class. Or better yet, they all deliver their babies and can’t come back for two months.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Ramadan Kareem: Now I'm Hot AND Hungry!

As I draw back the curtains in my studio apartment, because it's Ramadan and I don't want anyone to see me eating my chick peas, a sense of contentment and gratitude washes over my sweaty white T-shirt (I just finished teaching and participating in four hours of Pilates) I'm learning about the do's and don't's during this holy month, and I feel fortunate to be in Dubai for the experience.

There's absolutely no eating in public, including drinking water or chewing gum in your car. You might be stopped and given a warning if you're caught. I mentioned eating cereal in class this morning and then apologized to those that were fasting. Exemptions are made for children under 12, pregnant women and those on medication. And just one impure thought breaks your fast. Oy.

More on Ramadan as the month progresses.

I went on a desert safari last week and had a smile on my face the entire time. My cheeks genuinely hurt at the end of the night. I was picked up by a driver from Arabian Adventures. I can't remember his name but I liked him as soon as I got in the car. My fellow adventurers were a family (mom, dad, daughter) from the UK and a man from Brazil. I controlled myself enough not to show off the three Portuguese words that I've picked up in the six years being with my Portuguese lover. Let's just say that languages are not my thing.

The ride out to the desert was very informative. Mr. Driver gave a nice history of the roads we traveled as well as the multitude of construction, that has either been abandoned or in progress. There are so many plans for Dubai. Dubailand is supposed to have Universal Studios, a Tiger Woods Golf Course, Six Flags, and other such entertainment complex worthy attractions. It's completion date is scheduled for 2020. I guess we'll have to see what happens.

The first stop was a water break in the vast desert. We stepped out of our 4x4's, took off our shoes and 'walked in the desert'. I felt like Peter O’Toole. There were about 30 Arabian Adventures cars in our convey. It was a picture perfect moment, out there in the desert, so I asked a stranger if she would take my picture. She took a picture of her thumb. The wind was whipping and I have to say that my hair looked pretty good. Apparently the dry wind knocked the frizz right out and knotted it up to a perfect mess. 

The sand bashing, as its called, in the 4x4’s, was like riding a roller coaster. You never knew when you were going to go downhill. There were definitely some high pitched screaming in the car, (mainly from the Brazil man) but after awhile you got used to the feeling of the sand and the turns. Still, I found it all exciting.

We stopped again, this time to watch the sunset. Again, we hopped out of the car, discarded the shoes and found a nice spot at the top of a slope. The English family opted for a photo shoot from one of the 15 or so professional photographers that were accompanying us on the tour. They're hired to photograph the tourist's every move, so that at the end of the evening, they will want to buy the pictures. There's something to be said for knowing aperture settings and lighting. Really, ladies, isn't it all about the lighting!

As I sat on the hill with my fellow travelers, watching the sun disappear from the sky, I felt strangely alone and calm. The desert has a meditative energy, and gives off a blissful aura. I missed my Portuguese lover because having him next to me, sharing this blissed out experience, would have made the moment just about perfect.

No time to linger. We were clearly on a schedule. As soon as the sun went down, we were back on the dunes. About 10 minutes later, we arrived at base camp. Waiting for us in the so called parking lot, were 20 camels and their wranglers.

Before I took my camel ride, that was included in my safari package, I wanted to hold a Falcon (also included). And yes, another photo op. C'mon, when was I going to have a chance to hold a Falcon? I've since learned that this is a common tourist attraction at several different locations around Dubai.

Not caring, I took my place next to the Falcon wrangler, who guided my hand into a sleeve, or muffler type of thingy, with the Falcon and it's HUGE ASS talons precariously close to my hand. As I slipped my hand in, the Falcon decided that this would be a good time to try to fly away, and in the process grazed the side of my head. Suffice it to say that I flinched.

Once the wrangler calmed the Falcon down, I was again guided into the sleeve muffler thingy. I couldn't help but stare at the bird, but the photographer was calling to me, not unlike the calls I get on the red carpet (in my head). "Over here. Look over here. Just look at the camera. Don't look at the bird, look at me." Oh, my god, so much pressure. Relax photo man, a Falcon almost took my ear off! And with that, the picture was snapped. And it's good. Again, great lighting.

When I heard that there would be camel 'rides', I pictured a ride through the desert. Why wouldn't I? I had been on a camel once before, on a family trip to Egypt, but I couldn't remember what it felt like.

First of all, they put me on a camel with a 12 year old boy named Alex who was from the UK. And I had to sit in the back. As I said earlier, I was smiling the whole time, even at the second hump. The 'ride' consisted of the camel wrangler walking us in a circle, the size of a bottle cap. It was like a pony ride at the zoo. Alex and I chatted during our three minute stroll and now I have a lovely picture of the two of us, to remind me of the wonderful, yet short time we spent together.


The camp's set up looked like the inside of "I Dream Of Jeannie's" bottle on steroids. Buffets lined the perimeter, open bars, Turkish coffee and dates, a Shisha den, and gorgeous Persian rugs on the sand. The food was scrumptious, Hummus, Tabouli, salads, tandoori chicken, and lamb. It was the best meal I’ve had to date.

I didn't want to waste a minute, so I quickly got on line to get my (free) Henna tattoo. The two women were certainly artists. I decided on ring, that attached to a bracelet. I’m thinking of doing this on a regular basis, like getting manicures.

About an hour after we arrived, the belly dancer made her entrance. She was good. I mean nothing to write home about. I think if I had the outfit (which I’m buying at the open air market as soon as the temperature drops lower than 100) I could belly dance. Looking around, I laughed because the scene made me think it was the Middle Eastern version of a Hawaiian Luau.

As I halfheartedly watched the show, I stood in line to pick out my pictures. It’s a good thing that I only opted for the hawk and the camel, because some of these people were sifting through hundreds of pictures and poses. I think they were getting a head start on their Christmas cards.

I almost forgot to take advantage of the Shisha den. Shisha, or hubbly-bubbly, is the tobacco (often flavored) which is smoked through a water pipe (Hookah). The tobacco is heated by coals and the smoke is purified and cooled through the water, and emerges through the suction tube, from where it is smoked. The lights in the camp were turned off for star gazing, and I smoked and I gazed.

When the lights came on, we gathered ourselves together, bid the desert adieu and climbed back in the car.

It was a long night and even longer for our driver, who had to do it all over again early the next morning. He must not have been that tired, as evidenced by his enthusiasm for joke telling. The jokes were at the expense of certain Pakistani people, who were portrayed as lazy and dense.

I felt bad for laughing, but hearing jokes from a Pakistani man (with great timing I might add) in Dubai, generalizing an entire people, reminded me that we are not so different after all AND that there are lazy and dense people everywhere.

Friday, July 29, 2011

My Big Bus Tour

“Traveling reminds you of who you forgot to be.”

It’s easy to let our daily lives consume us, and easy to lose ourselves in the process. I mean our true essence. The ‘you’ that laughs at the silliest things and the ‘you’ that dances along with Jennifer Beals to the song, Maniac, while watching Flashdance. That was me last Thursday, 6pm Dubai time. I also shimmied my maracas to every song in the movie, Burlesque. I find the heat intriguing and the fact that I cannot understand a good goddam thing the Pilates studio’s driver says to me, amusing. This is who I am.

It was July 20th and I had wanted to play tourist and see Dubai. Oh, I saw Dubai all righty. I decided to take the Big Bus Tour, an air conditioned double decker bus that travels around the city. You can hop on and off whenever a sight interests you.

I was genuinely excited. I love tours and buses. I love taking the bus in NYC. It’s the best way to see any city. And if you get over the fact that you look like a big ol’ dork, it’s really fun. At 100 degrees (without the oppressive humidity) I decided to brave the heat and sit outside on the top deck, which was covered but still rather warm. I was going to take advantage of the view, weather be damned.

I had my hat, sunscreen and water at the ready. Bring it on Dubai. I plugged in the headset for the running commentary as we motored along. “Islam is the official language of Dubai... Islam means voluntary submission to God.” We drove through downtown and stopped at two malls. Yes, malls here are landmarks and considered sights to see. I took a pass. I’ve been to three malls since I arrived and I’m pretty sure that there’s not a whole lot of culture going on inside.
The Burj Khalifa  is pretty extraordinary. It cost $1.5 billion, stands at 2,717 ft, is the tallest building in the world and has the fastest elevator at 40 mph. It also has the world's highest occupied floor at 160. When I have a free morning, I'm going to take a ride up to experience the view.

I was enjoying being outside. Just me and the hot wind ripping at my delicate face. And then, before I finished my small bottle of water, my legs and heiny felt as if I was sitting in a puddle. I wore shorts (bad idea due to the naked skin on plastic seat sticking factor) I was at once, sticking and sliding, though I didn’t care, because I was sightseeing in the Middle East and I was ME!

I switched buses so I could take an hour Dhow cruise along the Dubai Creek. A client of mine said this wasn’t to be missed. Unfortunately I had to wait an hour until the next cruise was set to depart. I wasn’t sure of the bus route and if it would wind itself around in time, so I jumped off at the Creek stop. Better safe than sorry was my attitude. I was sorry about that attitude because just walking from the bus to the boat, brought even greater sweating. And since the boat wasn’t to leave for another hour, they kept the air conditioning off.

The boat was empty, save for an Asian mother daughter duo. I took a seat and tried to meditate, so that I might ignore the fact that I was sweating from my elbows and between my toes. The daughter sat down right next to me. And I mean RIGHT NEXT TO ME. The friggin’ boat is empty and you choose a seat next to me? Explain.

I turned to her and said, “You have to sit right here?” Yes, it was sarcastic with a side order of bitch! But my knees were dripping and I needed room to wring out. She said something to the effect of, “My mother and I were sitting here.” What? Her mother was sitting across from me and looked mighty comfortable; in her own row, I might add. As I picked up my bag and slid (literally) down a few seats, I muttered under my breath, “That’s okay, I’ll give us both some personal space.”

A few minutes later, the daughter asked one of the men selling beverages if he had change for 500Dhs (about $138US) because she wanted a drink, which cost 5Dhs ($1.38US) He did not. She then asked me but I didn’t have change either. I immediately asked myself what I was doing. It was hot and she was thirsty and it’s $1.38. I took out 5Dhs and handed it to her. She tried to refuse but I insisted. I said, “It’s okay, just pay it forward.” I’m not sure she understood.

She bought her 7-Up (that’s only going to make you more thirsty) and I looked at her mother and then at the Pakistani beverage man and said, “See, spreading the love.” They in turn responded with what looked like, “See, crazy lady, with dripping elbows.”

The boat slowly filled up and we had a nice crowd as we took off down the creek. Can this boat go any slower? I thought I was going to fall asleep. It was relaxing to say the least. I wish there was more to describe for the reader here but basically I saw creek life, and the city from a different perspective.

After the cruise was over, I waited outside with the other passengers, under an awning, for the Big Bus. And we waited. And we waited. As the temperature climbed, I started to feel claustrophobic. I tried to relax. I breathed deeply, and thought of glaciers.

In the 40 minutes that we waited, taxis came and went, and with each passing one, I asked myself why I didn’t hop in and call it a day. It was just like when I didn’t get a cab when I was in Prague, and dragged my suitcases to my hotel over cobblestone streets in 95 degrees.

I’m sorry that my shoulders aren’t covered and my shorts are above my knees (sometimes it’s too hot to be 100% respectful) but what, Mr. and Mrs. Arab family, do you not understand about waiting your turn in line to board the bus? Two families of four, confidently and boldly, cut to the front of the line, as if the 15 of us infidels didn't exist.

The balls. The gall. The rudeness. I wanted to say something but I promised to keep my nose clean. This is why there’s unrest in the world. Impatient and selfish people, who only see what they want to see, while carrying a sense of entitlement like a trophy.

I hopped off at the Dubai Museum, located in the Al Fahidi Fort. The fort was built in 1787 and is the oldest existing building in Dubai. Think the Arabic version of Madam Tussaud’s Wax Museum. (only without celebrities) Instead, the aim is to present the traditional way of life in Dubai

Back on the bus again, we passed gold, spice and textile souks. Cardamon anyone?! I was a little pressed for time, because I had to get to work, so I didn't hop off. The last bus stop was at yet another mall, so I peeled myself off of my seat, climbed down from the bus and hailed a cab. Look at me wising up. 

Stay tuned for tales from my desert safari.