Writing on Ellen Was My Dream Job

I had a dream job many years ago. It was to write on Ellen. I believed that, what is enclosed down below, was a witty and creative way to get that job. I sent this letter to Ellen Degeneres, in 2003, during season one of her show. I decided on a 'six degrees of Ellen' theme, because she loves playing games. For the life of me, I can't imagine why I never received a call back.

p.s. I'll probably get busted for using some of these photos. Ho hum.

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Objective: Bringing young Jewish female writers back to daytime.

December 15, 2003
Ms. Ellen Degeneres
c/o The Ellen Degeneres Show                                                                         
(ADDRESS HERE)

Dear Ellen,

I’ve never written a letter like this before, except the one I wrote to the Bay City Rollers asking them to jam at my Sweet 16 party. Other than that, this is my first. It’s been my life’s ambition to work on your show. Yeah, I know it’s only been on for four months, but what a dramatical sentence.

As a fellow writer and comedian, you know how important inspiration and motivation are to the creative process. If that’s absent, well, how many times can you re-organize your photo albums? Or Google everyone in your address book? So, when you find a person and a show that you connect with, that makes you want to work harder, that speaks your truth… sorry, too much therapy… you do whatever it takes to be in the company of such a person and show because you know that it can only make you stronger, faster, and smarter. 

It would be a real shanda if I didn’t make the effort. Not to test ones potential and living a life of ‘what ifs’’ is far worse than risking looking like an idiot. As my grandmother Ruth used to say, “Keep your feet firmly planted on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.” Oh, poo, that was Casey Kasam, wasn’t it? 

My talents and experiences have taken me from musical theater to film school, to stand up and writing features and everything in between. I’ve written and produced for The Animal Planet and I’ve unclogged a certain actress’s bathtub drain while working as a Production Assistant.

In addition to the aforementioned industry experiences, we have a lot in common. I hate to fly as well. Although traveling business does makes it bearable. If I’m going down, I’m going down watching a movie on my private screen, laying prostrate, drinking — which could make me choke but hell, I’m going to die anyway, so what’s the big whoop? I eat fast too. My father eats even faster. He has that stray dog mentality. Your dog is Lucy. Mine was Ricky. He died a few months ago. I miss him.   

I didn’t ask my agents for help because I’m tired of putting my career in someone else's hands, and they don’t care as much as I do. By meeting me, you’ll see how much of an asset I can be to you and your show. I’m a hardworking, funny, bright, spirited girl, who puts the ass in asset. 

Lest you think me right off the turnip truck, let’s play a game I like to call, ‘Six Degrees Of Ellen,” to put your mind at east. Come on, it’ll be fun.

David S. Rosenthal. (These Friends of Mine/Ellen) His father, Mort, married my ex-husband and I. Nice job, Mort. David wasn’t even at the wedding. Now that I think of it, he didn’t send a gift. Eh, my ex got him in the divorce anyway.
Mort the Rabbi (in the middle)

Karen Kilgariff, a writer on your show, used to write on Hype. My friend, Chris Williams, was on that show. We grew up together in Chappaqua, NY, home of sex scandals. His sister, Vanessa and those nudie pics, (what a summer that was) and now it’s home to Bill and Hillary. Nuff said.

Jack Plotnick. (Ellen) We’re in a show called, In Their Own Words- Readings from Celebrity Autobiographies. I read Joan Lunden’s autobiography, where she informs us how she stacks her clothes every night in the order that she puts them on each morning, “That is, panties on top, then bra.”
Jack Plotnick (right)

The Todd Sisters. (If These Walls Could Talk 2) They hosted a bachelorette party for my writing partner, Alexandra Wentworth, who you know. I was hired as her head writer on a pilot. But if you don’t like Ali, then neither do I.
Me and Ali  (photo credit- People Magazine)

Ric Swartzlander. (The Ellen Show) He used to be a writing client at a small literary agency, where I worked. I didn’t like my boss but I liked Ric, unless he was mean to you, in which case, he’s dumb.

Sally Kirkland. (Ed TV) In 1989, I was a PA on her film, High Stakes. Can’t say much about her. I was busy flirting with the Teamsters. They'd want me to work with you, and you know how persuasive they can be.
Sally Kirkland

Pete Yorn. You love them and my ex–husband’s band performed with Pete. When I come in, I’ll bring a CD.


THANKS FOR PLAYING…
A special thanks to whoever took the time to read this letter and then passed it on to you.

Best,