The site, Funny Not Slutty, got wind of some of my more risque posts, probably because I stalked them, and sent links every day for a month (not really).
Many of these erotic-like posts can be found at Evolved World. Just saying. And based on said erotic posts, I am now the sex columnist on Funny Not Slutty. I know. I don't get it either. But apparently I'm very convincing and I have lots to write about. Thank you my Portuguese lover.
I just hope that my slutty doesn't overshadow my funny.
I first performed this in my solo show, Dani Live! My Life In Leg Warmers, in May, 2003 in Los Angeles. It was first posted here, in April 2011. It has been refurbished for your listening pleasure, and is dedicated to Passover and Cher.
I invited Cher, Baruch Hashem, to my parent’s house last year for Pesach. It had been on my ‘to do’ list for quite some time, but well, you know how it is. Life just seems to get in the way, and shit is put off for yet another day. But I finally moved it to the top of my list.
I knew I was taking a chance, and there weren't any guarantees. I didn’t know if she already had Seder plans. My invitation was last minute. I didn’t even consider that she might be too tuckered out from her first of several farewell tours. I tweeted her anyway.
She immediately tweeted back an enthusiastic ‘yes’ and a few other niceties, all under 140 characters. For those that don’t know, Cher is quite the social media maven. Thus began a conver-tweet-sation.
She wanted to know what color the Yarmulkes were that we were going to be wearing during the service, so she could color coordinate with her wig. The woman is always thinking production values. I told her that reformed Jews, which we were, didn’t usually wear Yarmulke’s. In fact, I told her that my family was so reformed we were practically Catholic. She tweeted back a laughing emoticon and LMFAO.
Cher & Uncle George
When the day arrived, Cher drove up on her beloved Harley Davidson. That’s my Uncle George in the red jacket, and his sons, my cousins, Damian and Jeff. They waited down the street from the house just in case she got lost.
I was surprised that Cher arrived solo, as she likes to take her sister, Georganne LePiere with her to social events. I did tweet her that she could extend the invitation to her son, Elijah Blue. She said that he was still mourning the break up of his band, Deadsy.
My dad took Cher’s leather gloves, and put them in the hall closet, with our coats. It had been a long trip, and Cher wanted to freshen up before dinner, so she excused herself and went to the restroom.
She emerged ten minutes later wearing, what can only be described as a Bob Mackie Yarmulke original. Sequins, glitter... It was a beanie masterpiece. I thought it looked more like a tricked out sailor’s hat, than a yarmulke, but it’s Cher, I was not about to split wig hairs.
Yarmulke or sailor hat?
We hung out in the family room until the eggs were hard boiled and my sister-in-law put the finishing touches on the Charoset. Cher really has the gift of gab. She regaled us with stories about the preparations for her new tour, her Lady Gaga duet and her charity, the Children's Craniofacial Association. She really impressed my family with her knowledge of current events when she brought up a new report, claiming that there was flame retardant in mother’s breast milk.
My parents treated her like one of the family, more so than they did with any of the boyfriends that I brought home. They can be so judgmental. I know that my mother was biting her tongue, resisting the urge to tell Cher to put her hair up and get it off of her face. The woman is constantly riding my ass to do the same.
I didn’t know how long Cher was going to stay once dinner was over, so I took the opportunity to show her my Cher doll, that I’ve had since 1975. I think she was truly touched, because I saw a tear roll down her wrinkle-free face. The Cher doll was barefoot. I had lost her shoes, or my brother ate them (one or the other) oh, so many years ago.
And her knees had rips in them, (the dolls, not live Cher). Cher said that her knees should be ripped, with all that she's had to do in her forty plus years in Hollywood. (wink, wink) Oh, we laughed.
Cher excused herself, again, to make a costume change. When she returned, she joined us at the dinner table, and we started reading from the Haggadah, or prayer book. We went around the table, taking turns reading passages, as we always do. When it came to Cher, her passage was heavy on the Rabbi names; Elazar Ben Azarya, Raban Gamliel, and it tripped her up. In all fairness, I'm sure she had never heard of the Rabbi's, unless of course she had attended Pesach at her friend Bette Midler’s house. I didn’t ask. I didn’t want to pry. Cher did her best and we left it at that.
A few pages later, I looked over at Cher, who was sitting next to Uncle George. I thought she looked a bit uneasy. George still hasn’t gotten the memo that those natural deodorants really don’t do shit, and I thought Cher was reacting. But then I realized that it wasn’t George at all, it was the multitude of glasses of wine we’re told to drink during the service. It can be unsettling to a non drinker, which Cher is. My family wouldn’t know since there aren’t any non drinkers in the whole lot.
I leaned in close, and assured Cher that, in no way, was she obligated to drink. Unfortunately, my mother didn’t buy any Manischewitz because there’s never been a need (even my 10 year old nephew drinks the real stuff). However, being the mensch that Cher is, she threw back that wine like one of the drunken sailors in her, “If I Can Turn Back Time” video.
When I was a kid, my favorite part of the Seder dinner was reading the four questions, which are always read by the youngest at the table. I held that title for many years. I had no idea what I was reading but I didn’t care, as long as I was the center of attention. And then my nephews arrived. The lord giveth, and the lord taketh away.
My youngest nephew was all set to read, when my dad suggested that we give our half-breed guest the honor. I thought it was a lovely gesture. I searched Cher’s punim, trying to get a read on how this last minute casting had affected her. Her face was still. After a few seconds, Cher gently pushed her chair back and stood up. Traditionally, we stay seated and read, but it was clear that Cher had something else up her sleeveless dress.
She walked to the front of the dining room and presented my family with a gift I know I won’t soon forget. A private concert, singing an original reinterpretation of her 1974 smash hit single, Dark Lady, from the album of the same name, in honor of Passover.
Press Play now and follow along.
PHARAOH'S SLAVES TRIED TO FLEE,
AND I CAN RELATE BECAUSE I LEFT SONNY.
MOSES SAID, 'HEY, LISTEN BRO’,
DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME YOU LET ME PEOPLE GO?
THEY WANDERED AROUND FOR 40 YEARS,
WHY SHOULD THEY KVETCH, IT'S SHORTER THAN MY CAREER.
THEY ARRIVED IN THE PROMISED LAND,
MORE BURNT OUT THAN THE ALLMAN BROTHER'S BAND.
WHY IS THIS NIGHT SO DIFFERENT THAN THE ONES THAT CAME BEFORE?
WHY DO YOU DIP HERBS TWICE AND EAT ONLY MAROR?
WHY DO YOU SIT RECLINED AND EAT THIS FUNKY LOOKING BREAD?
IF IT WERE UP TO ME, I'D ORDER IN INSTEAD.
THE FOUR QUESTIONS THEY HAVE TO ASK,
BITTER HERBS? I WAS OVERLOOKED FOR MASK.
NO TIME TO LET BREAD RISE THEY HAD TO SHAKE A LEG,
IF THEY BELIEVED IN CHRIST THEY’D BE EATIN’ CHOCOLATE EGGS.
TEN PLAGUES DIDN’T GO THAT FAR,
BOILS AND FROGS, HE SHOULD’VE CURSED THEM WITH EPSTEIN BARR.
IN THE END THEY ALL RECLINE,
WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL IT’S HOW I LAND JOBS ALL THE TIME.
WHY IS THIS NIGHT SO DIFFERENT THAN THE ONES THAT CAME BEFORE? WHY DO YOU DIP HERBS TWICE AND EAT ONLY MAROR?
WHY DO YOU SIT RECLINED AND EAT THIS FUNKY LOOKING BREAD?
IF IT WERE UP TO ME, I'D ORDER IN INSTEAD.
Speechless I know. A little pitchy and were those nerves shaking her voice? Who cares, it was a delightful surprise.
We settled back into the Seder and Cher joined my dad in lighting Yahrzeit candles, in memory of loved ones that had died. My Dad lit one for Nanny and Cher lit one for Sonny and her youth. He poured a glass of wine and opened the front door for the prophet Elijah. Cher started to say something about Deadsy, but my dad looked in her direction, "No, Dark Lady, not your Elijah."
Dinner was officially over, and it was time to look for the Afikoman, which is sort of a Jewish hide and seek, using a piece of Matzot. Whoever finds it, gets a cash prize. When we were kids, it didn’t matter who found it, because everyone cashed out. After a few years of this, no one tried all that hard and it took the fun out of the whole game. Sort of like how it doesn’t matter that your kids soccer team sucks and places last in the tournament, trophy's for all!
Cher wanted to play. She loves games. One of her favorite games is Wise and Otherwise. And she likes cash. I’m embarrassed to say it, but she was also drunk off her tattooed ass. No one seemed to mind if she participated, so she and my nephews scampered off to look for the big cracker.
A few minutes later, we heard a commotion coming from the basement. “No. Let it go. It’s mine. I found it.” I couldn’t tell who was screaming, but there was definitely a ruckus.
We ran down to the basement. Cher was acting all meshungina. She was physically pushing my nephew up against the wall, her long and luxurious nails, digging into his little ten year old chest. She was trying to pry the matzot out of his snausage-like fingers. It was a scene alright. She was schvitzing, her mascara was running down her face, her beanie had fallen to the floor, and her wig was cockeyed on her head.
My older nephew tried to pull Cher off of his little brother, but she was going mental. My guess is that this is exactly why she doesn’t drink. Finally, Cher released my nephew. He started screaming, “Hasbeen! Vegas shlock! Lori Davis Infomercial Hawker!” That was a low blow, rude and uncalled for. After all, she was our guest. I shooed my nephews up the basement stairs.
The next thing I knew, Cher ran up to my dad, sucking wind, and planted herself firmly in front of him. She grabbed his arm, and dropped a handful of matzot crumbs into his hand and waited. Needless to say, we were all confused and disappointed. How could something so beautiful and right turn out to be so ugly and wrong.
I didn’t want to admit it, but the people of the town were right. She is a gypsy, tramp and thief. But my dad, forever the gentleman, was not about to break from tradition. He fished out a twenty dollar bill from his pants pocket and slapped it down in Cher’s waiting hand. "Shalom, Cher, Shalom."
Caffeinated OC Mommy tagged me in one of those interview thingies. Because she did some creative editing, I am happy to answer and pass these along to five not 11, bloggers. Do it, don't it, I know how busy everyone is. I just wanted to show some love... and I'm procrastinating.
Here is how it works:
1) Post the rules.
2) Tag up to eleven 5 bloggers by posting links to their blogs, and let them know.
3) Create eleven 7 (it's lucky!) questions for the people you’ve tagged.
4) Answer the questions your tagger posed for you.
5)Have fun!
1. Do you post as often as you would like, and if not, why not? No. There's just so much genius one can spew in a week without imploding.
2. What is your favorite go-to blog and why? Are you kidding? Like I want to alienate anyone.
3. If you could go anywhere on your next vacation, where would you go? Everyday is a vacation.
4. What gave you the impetus to start blogging? I had nowhere else to go.
5. Pinterest - yes or no? What's Pinterest? Kidding, April 2nd.
6. What is your favorite holiday and why? Everyday is a holiday. You see where I'm going with this.
7. I'm in the midst of buying and selling a home and am obsessed with de-cluttering. What's your latest obsession? Keeping the one plant that I own alive.
8. What do you fear the most? Not reaching my full potential. Okay, that was serious.
9. I'm stuck on dinner ideas. What's your easiest meal that you make for your family that they devour almost every time? Breakfast.
10. Twilight? I can't get in to that phenomenon. What latest fad are you avoiding? Buying an ipad.
11. Any big plans for the upcoming year that you care to share? Define big? I've got big plans every day.
A five, six, seven, eight:
“now what you hear is not a test--i'm rappin to the beat
and me, the groove, and my friends are gonna try to move your feet
see i am wonder mike and i like to say hello
to the black, to the white, the red, and the brown, the purple and yellow”
That’s right, The Girlfriend Mom got her rap on with THE Wonder Mike and Master Gee, from the original Sugarhill Gang Saturday night. I was the Production Coordinator for The Garden State Film Festival and da boys were the subject of a documentary that we screened, called, I Want My Name Back. Due to some unsavory characters and unethical practices, the band lost the right to use their own names, as well as the name of the band, The Sugarhill Gang, back in the 70’s. A real tragic story.
Hendogg
When the documentary ended, the band, which now includes Hendogg, DJ T Dynasty and Da Noize, performed. About 50 or so white women, in their 30's and 40's, much like myself, went ape shit when they started singing their smash hit, "Rapper's Delight".
“ya go hotel motel whatcha gonna do today (say what)
ya say im gonna get a fly girl gonna get some spankin
drive off in a def oj
everybody go, hotel motel holiday inn
say if your girl starts actin up, then you take her friend”
I should have asked them what an oj was. No mind. A good time was had by all.
The concert was off the hook, but the real fun was having Mr. Lou Grant himself, Mr. Ed Asner, introduce the documentary. Mr. Asner was at the festival to receive a Lifetime Achievement award. I don’t know who came up with the idea, but Mr. Asner agreed to say a few words before the screening.
I acted as stage manager for the night and got to wear a headset. I’m pretty sure I became an Equity stage manager (one of my many illustrious careers), for the headset. The same could be said for working on movie sets. “Copy that. Coffee is flying in.” That device reeks of importance.
Mr. Asner and his lovely daughter, Liza (with a Z), arrived backstage, and there was the crotchety and loveable newspaper man in the flesh. He is truly adorable. While I waited for my cue to call Mr. Asner out on stage, I took the opportunity to meet the man, the myth, the voice of the old guy from the movie, “Up”.
ED & CARL
The following is a verbatim account of my conversation. I don’t know if it was the peanut butter M&M’s that I inhaled an hour earlier, or the excitement of wearing a headset, but I was hopped up and suffered from diarrhea of the mouth. On the upside, at 83 years old, Mr. Asner is funny, gruff, humble and approachable. Just like me.
ME: Hi, Mr. Asner, I’m Dani. I’m coordinating the festival.
He grabs my hand.
ED: Hello there.
ME: It’s such a pleasure to have you here.
Still holding my hand.
ED: It’s a pleasure to be had.
ME: I think it’s great and funny that you’re introducing the Sugarhill Gang’s movie.
ED: Funny? How so?
ME: Well, it’s bringing two different worlds and cultures together and...
He lets go of my hand, smiles and furrows his brow.
ME: It’s a great juxtaposition. You know what I mean.
ED: What’s your last name?
ME: Alpert
ED: Are you Yiddishkeit?
I hoped he was asking because of the sassy, and funny way that I was talking to him, and not my frizzy hair.
ME: Yes I am. And thanks for asking. (No idea what I meant by that)
ED: Ah.
ME: Why?You’re not Jewish. Are you?
ED: What do you think? Argh, come on.
This is when I regretted not doing a full background check. Not only is he Jewish, but he was raised Orthodox. I forgot to be embarrassment because I was on such a sugar and Sugarhill Gang high.
ME: I don’t remember you being in Adam Sandler’s song.
ED: Yeah, I lost money on that.
Huh?
ME: Are you excited about doing "Home Alone 5"?
He was flying to Canada after the festival to film.
ED: Eh, it's only one day of shooting.
ME: Do you think you'll do any more animation?
ED: If they want me.
ME: I loved "Up"...
And here's where the sugar really kicks in.
ED: Yeah, it was a sweet movie.
ME: No, I mean, it was so touching. And you were so funny.
Ed's just nodding at this point.
ME: It really tugged at the heart strings.
I place my hands gently over my heart.
ME: It really made me cry. (awkward pause) Okay, well, you get it.
We both took a breath.
ME: Well, I’ll leave you to ‘An Actor Prepares”.
Theater reference to a famous acting book by Stanislavski.
ED: What do I need to prepare?
ME: So true. Just go out there and be yourself.
ED: You mean be humble.
Sarcasm.
ME: You’re Ed Asner. Just be Ed Asner, that’s enough.
ED: Okay, now get away from me.
And with that, me, my headset and my mouth, walked away.
At the awards dinner the following night, I brought my boyfriend over to Mr. Ed Asner’s table, so he could meet him. I leaned over his shoulder, watching him sign autographs.
ME: Excuse me, Mr. Asner, remember me, from last night, backstage.
He looked up and again furrowed his brow.
ED: You had your hair up last night. It looks much better down. Don’t ever put it up again.
He shook my boyfriend’s hand.
ED: Nice catch but keep her hair down. Now get away from me.
And with that, me, my boyfriend and my long and luxurious hair walked away.
