DOES BEING PRETTY AND WELL GROOMED SELL PILATES SESSIONS?

I recently got hired as a Pilates instructor at a large and chi chi health club. Management asked me if I would offer free demos to their members, introduce them to the Pilates method and to meet me. Clearly this would be for those members that have been living under a rock with their heads up their asses, because, really, who doesn’t know what Pilates is? Madonna, Gwyneth Paltrow and Tiger Woods do Pilates for crying out loud. Ooh, that wasn’t an example of me getting into the holiday spirit now was it?

I’ve done so many free friggin’ demos since I became an instructor, that it’s a bit of a soul killer to have to whore myself out again. I don’t mind whoring it out if I’m getting paid, in cash... whole other story. That being said, I took a meeting with myself, like I’m want to do, and decided to suck it up, adjust my attitude and do it. 

It has been a tough year, work wise. I started losing clients back in March, and I haven’t really picked up any new ones. I did leave the country to teach in Dubai for two months this summer. That couldn't have been good for building a client base and continuity.

I have impeccable skills and I deliver quality Pilates instruction, with the added bonus of my kick ass personality. But the evidence doesn’t lie and I wondered what I might be doing wrong.

Perhaps I’m not attracting new clients because of my laissez-faire attitude towards beautifying myself when I teach. I know this is unimaginable when I say that perhaps my winning personality isn’t enough. I know, I can’t believe it either. Could my client drought actually be because I don’t wear make-up, shower frequently, or blow dry my hair before I hit the Pilates studio or gym?

I’ve always felt that I shouldn’t have to succumb to such shallow and superficial practices. I choose to sit comfortably crossed legged on my high horse, espousing ditties such as, “Like me for who I am, and how I can help your horrible posture. Don’t like me because my hair is long and luxurious. My work speaks for itself.” Aren’t I adorable and misguided.

It was the same way when I lived in L.A. and auditioning. I wanted to believe that people would hire me based on my f’in talent alone. I never worried about whether the powers that be thought I was pretty or wanted to sleep with me. I think we can all agree that my strategy was both flawed and naive.

But that was then, and this is now. What’s wrong with putting on mascara and showing just a hint of tit (men do Pilates too ya know) if it’s going to bring me paying clients? Once I’ve reeled them in, they’ll be so balled over by my teaching and humor, that I can then just roll out of bed and not brush my hair. I wanted to see if I made an effort (this means wearing unstained clothes and putting on lip gloss) would I attract more clients?

I had my first Pilates demo last night. I put on make-up as if I were going to a wedding, and I changed my clothes a half dozen times, finally deciding on a head to toe Lululemon ensemble. My Astro pants showed off my camel toe, and gave me a wedgey. Perfect. I went with a tight purple Define jacket, wearing only my bra underneath. I needed a bit of padding to help lift the sistas up onto their perch. I smoothed out my hair, and flat ironed my ponytail. However, I did not shower. It was my little secret. Between me and... me?

“Chaka, Chaka, Chaka, Chaka Khan
Chaka Kan, Chaka Kan , Chaka Kan
Chaka Khan, let rock you”  -- Sorry, it just came on my itunes.

After two long hours, just one man asked for a demo. It’s hard to say whether he was genuinely  interested in Pilates or he just likey my wedgey. I have another demo tonight, and I will whore it out again, all in the name of investigative reporting.

And Here's To You Lululemon

I have to thank Lululemon for their Wunder Groove Crop pants, with inner stash pocket, flat seamed stitching (to prevent chafing) and extra padding in the crotch area, because sitting at Starbucks's, I sneezed and peed my pants.

I know I shouldn't be embarrassed, after all Whoopi Goldberg brought LBL (light bladder leakage) into the mainstream. Stream. Get it. http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2010/03/see_whoopi_goldbergs_bladder_l.html But let's face it, it's not cool to lose control of your bodily functions in public.

I was sitting on a wood chair, working on my laptop, because, what else is there to do at Starbuck's? The coffee tastes burnt and smells burnt, so I’m not there for the Joe. But they do have free WiFi and it's a great place to people watch.

So, I sneezed and it felt like I fully made my pants, as if I was sitting on the toilet. It did not feel like a trickle or 'light leakage'. I was convinced that I was sitting in a pool of my own urine. Charming AND sexy.

This was bothersome and frustrating for a couple of reasons. For one thing, I MADE IN MY PANTS IN PUBLIC! The last time I made in my pants I was at a roller rink (old school, four wheels) in 7th grade, skating to Donna Summer's, "Last Dance", when my friend Debby said something so funny, that I, well, peed in my my pants. I was able to Kegel just in time to prevent the 'stream' from dribbling down my leg. Luckily I had a sweatshirt with me and tied it around my waist.

I didn't have an extra sweatshirt with me at Starbuck’s. I could have made a beeline to the bathroom, because there were only a few stragglers milling around but there was a man sitting right behind me, who I was sure could see my leakage on the chair and in my pants.

I busied myself for awhile and then had to get to the bathroom. I grabbed my bag and awkwardly held it behind me, in a feeble attempt to cover my ass. My other hand covered my front.

When I got into the bathroom and spot checked, I was out of my head with amazement. There was no sign of leakage outside of my wonderful Wunder Groove Crop pants. Oh, I did pee, don't get me wrong, but that extra cushioning in the crotch acted much like, oh, I don't know, a very sassy, and comfortable diaper!

Besides being embarrassed, I was upset because I'm a friggin' Pilates instructor! My pelvic floor muscles should be in tip top shape. On my last gynecological visit, my doctor said, ‘Wow’ upon examination. I'll spare you as to how he came to this conclusion.

I can't rely solely on Lululemon to catch my pee. I've got to get back to the Pilates studio and squeeze, for when I sneeze.