Thursday, May 17, 2012

Does This Mole Look Funny To You?

I went to the dermatologist yesterday for my yearly mole check up. You don’t have to tell me how sexy that is. I already know. This was a new doctor, so I had my former doctor forward my records. This doctor once lifted my files and said that they were as heavy as one of her 80 year old patients. See, I told you, sexy.

It’s not my fault I’m a delicate flower, who has to constantly stay vigilant. I already have several strikes against me, what with my fair skin, light eyes, and several childhood blistering sunburns, thanks to a mother who dragged me to the beach every year to visit my grandparents. This isn’t something that my melanin packed Portuguese lover seems to understand. The experts say that it only takes one blistering sunburn to raise your chances of skin cancer. Terrific. I lost count at age fifteen.

The doctor was 45 minutes late, and in that time, as I waited in the room, wearing only my thong (my ass gets checked as well) and bra, her nurse walked in and out several times without knocking! I’m sorry, but in my illustrious doctor visiting career, staff knocks before they enter. Clearly this woman was in a tanning salon when they went over manners and protocol in nursing school. 

The doctor finally arrived and I wanted to ask her how many boxes of Girl Scout cookies she sold this year, because man oh man, she was barely older than a fetus. Is it me, or is everyone getting younger? Oh, wait. I’m getting older. Got it. She commented on the plethora of scars that enhance my body, and I told her that I wear them proudly, like a war hero wears their medals.

And then I realized that I hadn’t shaved my legs. We’ve all been there--- the women anyway, maybe some men, I don’t know, I don’t judge. I usually feel bad, although it’s not like I didn’t shower before seeing the Gyno... am I right ladies? Men? I didn’t care this time. I mean, JC Christ, she’s looking at my tight and lifted ass (Insanity Workout), and fingering through my scalp. If she can handle that, a little stubble shouldn’t make her yack. What I was really embarrassed about was my extremely dry skin. Oh, the afflictions! Oh, the injustices! Isn’t it enough that I house pre-cancerous cells, do I have to have flaky skin as well.

As it turned out, I needed to have two moles removed. I’ve had so many extractions, that I probably could have foregone the novacaine if I had to. I don’t know any reason why I would have had to but I’m just saying.

The doctor left me with recommendations, that will always bear repeating, because people think that they are immune to the ravages of the sun. That and they’re stupid. This shit is serious, yo, and the messed up thing is that, for the most part, we are in control of it and it’s preventable. Okay, getting down off the soapbox now but please, at least try to practice the following.

STAY OUT OF THE SUN: Kidding, sort of. If you absolutely have to go in the sun, here are some easy tips. It could save your life. Okay, that drama was uncalled for but sometimes you have to get a little dramatical for people to pay attention.

SUNSCREEN- At least SPF30, and reapply every two hours. And don’t forget the ears and hands!

EXPOSURE- Between the hours of 10a and 2p, the sun is at it’s most evil, so get thee to some shade.

CLOTHES- If you like to play sports on the beach, I don’t know, I don’t, but if you do, they have clothing now with an SPF. I’m sure Michael Kors or Chanel has come out with a whole sassy and chic SPF line.

HATS- Who doesn’t like a hat? Wide brimmed, and with an SPF would be great. And really ladies, (and men) you want to protect your expensively treated hair, don’t you?

UMBRELLAS- I make my melanin packed Portuguese lover put up an umbrella on the beach for me, when I watch him play volleyball, which he does sans sunglasses and hat. I swear I’m going to be taking him to the plastic surgeon for Botox, if he persists in furrowing and squinting.

BODY CHECK- I recommend that people go to the dermatologist at least once a year. And in between appointments, you and your significant other can check each other out and use it as a form of foreplay. If you don’t have a significant other, see just how ‘best’, your best friend really is.

GLOVES- This might be a bit extreme or Diane Keaton-y for you but I have been known to wear white cotton gloves when I drive. Oh, sure, make fun, but I’m not the one who’s going to be playing ‘connect those insidious brown dots’ on my hands.

As always, your welcome.
Sexy & Responsible


injaynesworld said...

When I think of all those years I spent smearing myself with baby oil and iodine and burning to a crisp, it's a wonder I've alive at all. I just had my regular doc do a look-around when I had my yearly physical. Good advice couched in pure entertainment. Nifty trick! ;)

alphawoman said...

You remind me that I need to make an appointment as I am cursed with fair Irish skin.

thegirlfriendmom said...

Oh, Jayne, my mom did that oil bullshit as well. I'm glad I could make moles entertaining.

thegirlfriendmom said...

Alphawoman- GO! GO! GO!

Annie said...

I used to sit in the sun with a foil shield to get the maximum burn. Once when I lived in Hawaii I burned my hands so badly that I couldn't bend them for two days. Can we all chant together "MORON." Yes, I have learned my lesson the hard way. Now I never just "sit" in the sun anymore, but the damage has already been done. Thanks for the reminder, Dani. I better have a mole or two inspected.

Debbie said...

Even though I am Latina I am very fair ... like white. I was teased all the time because I was so white. Long story short, I NEVER went in the sun because when I was 15, I went to the beach with my friends, stayed all day, and was burnt to a crisp. I had to lay in bed naked for three days spraying Solarcaine all over myself. My face was swollen and I looked terrible. Today, at 55, I have NO WRINKLES. My friends envy me. I owe it all to staying out of the sun, and even though I HATED NOT BEING COOL AND TAN, I'd rather be old and wrinkle free. THANK YOU! Great post!

Kathy Radigan said...

Only you could make going to the doctor so funny and entertaining! I never loved laying out in the sun, proably because I have very white skin that does not tan. My sisters, getting the darker skin of our Italian genes would lay out on our parents roof slathered with baby oil. Though they made fun of me all the time for my white skin, at 46 I'm always taken for the youngest sister even though I'm the oldest. Revenge be mine! Lol!! Great post and a great reminder! xo

thegirlfriendmom said...

Ah, the foil shield. I remember that one as well. I'm glad I could be your personal mole checking reminder.

thegirlfriendmom said...

Amen! I'd rather be old and wrinkle free. You should needlepoint that on a pillow.

thegirlfriendmom said...

Thanks Kathy and you are having the last laugh! xox

Bethany Lee said...

Hey girlfriend mom! I hear ya on several counts here. Why is it that I always forget to shave when I have a doctor appointment? Ok, you stood on your soap box and I heard you there too. I love a tan, but you are so right. And I had no clue there was SPF clothing? I might look into that for when I'm out running in the sun.
Loved meeting you at BBC Philly!

Anonymous said...

I've always been teased for being so white and pale but now that I'm older I can laugh about it because I don't look my age since my skin isn't sun-aged (not that I'm being smug or anything). Hey if God wanted me to be burnt, I woulda been a piece-a toast!

Cindy Brown said...

I love that mole scene from the picture you posted - hilarious!

Hey, I received the Versatile Blogger award last night and I want to pass that along to you and some other deserving bloggers in my next Woo-Hoo Wednesday post. If you've already received the award, just know that I'm spreding a little love your blog's way and that's always cool, right?

Marianne Curan said...

Love this post--funny stuff! Wish I'd taken my mother's advice, but alas I worshipped the sun. Now it's hats, SPF 500, etc. Can't wait to read more... btw, thanks for the follow on Twitter. I better get tweeting!

thegirlfriendmom said...

Thanks Marianne. I look forward to reading you as well.

Terri said...

I was a teen in the 70s -- fried ourselves up with baby oil then, we did. Thusly, at 48, I've had no less than 8 sun-induced moles removed. One on my breast bone resulted in a keloid that's bigger than my friend's c-section scar. I now employ a burka at the beach.

thegirlfriendmom said...

Yup, frying ourselves with baby oil. Very familiar. Burka at the beach... nothing to be ashamed of! Thanks for stopping by.